Men Can Cry

I am sure many of us were raised in an environment where boys and girls have been brought up differently A boy has to be ‘this way’ and a girl must be ‘that way’. Our parents and their parents raised us within the boundaries defined by society, about what each gender can and cannot do. How many times have you been told, growing up “Don’t cry, be a man!” or “Don’t be rude, that’s not becoming of proper girl”? As a society we have set unrealistic standards, which are often used as insults. For instance, when it came to boys, the taunt they would receive quite often is “Ek ladki se har gaya?” (lost to a girl?), which is not only critical of the boy’s performance but is also dismissive of the girl’s capabilities. Gender role expectations is the bane of every society. Masculinity a.k.a manhood a.k.a manliness is normally associated with not wanting to appear weak. We all know how men are stereotyped in our society, culture and even movies. “Mard ko dard nahin hota” (men don’t feel pain), is for instance a famous Bollywood movie dialogue as well as something that people say when they want to ask someone to ‘man-up’. As a result, men tend to conform to this stereotype. If I were to give my own example – my mother doesn’t like to see me cleaning the dishes or doing ‘Jhadu-Pocha’ (sweeping and mopping) at all. How do I make her understand that times have changed, when she has been accustomed to seeing the men in her family steering clear of these responsibilities? I have to ensure that I help out around the house with day-to-day chores, while managing to not hurt my mother’s sentiments. Believe me, it’s a tough job when you are sandwiched between generations and are trying to do the right thing. She has begun to accept it, but progress has been slow. In this case, the stereotype has been a set of rigid expectations and perceptions of what ‘manly’ behavior should entail. Society has conditioned us to believe that being a man means that we can’t cry, we’ve to be tough, fight, smoke, drink, drive rashly, be aggressive, be strong, and always be in control.  There are several issues that plague men today, owing to this stereotype and  these unrealistic expectations. Men avoid opening-up, which can lead to several mental and wellness issues. We need to eliminate the stigma associated with men being vulnerable. We must openly talk about mental health and remind men that asking for help, expressing emotions, and seeking therapy is okay. Men are more likely to suffer issues such as depression, anxiety, cardiovascular disease, and they could engage in heavy drinking and even consider suicide, without timely intervention. So, what should we do to make men feel less boxed-in? There is no silver bullet for this. These societal norms and stereotypes have been in existence for a long time and has been passed down from generations. We must be proactive and cultivate an environment to enable the elimination of this stereotype. The corporate world is far ahead in this, compared to the typical Indian culture or society. Research has found that men who are warmer, caring, supportive and sympathetic made significantly less money than more stereotypically masculine men. The ‘nice guys’ were evaluated as less competent and less hirable for managerial roles. Many-a-time it is perceived that nice guys are incapable of getting things done and a so-called aggressive guy gets preferential advantage just because they’re aggressive in nature. This must change. It is important for men who display these ‘nice guy’ qualities to be acknowledged and recognized. Having said that, we are in the middle of a cultural shift at this very moment. The next generations of men should aspire to overcome stereotype masculinity fully and live up to the right definition of manhood – things like being a good father, a good husband or becoming a responsible, caring adult and human-being. So, for those who think men can’t cry or shouldn’t cry, maybe it’s time you began to let loose a little. To all the men out there who dare to show emotions and cry – kudos to you. Wishing all the men a happy #InternationalMensDay!